Poly Ticks

In  the finest example of altruistic corporate largess ever, BP announced it’s distributing free crude oil off the coast of Louisiana.

“We are pleased to give back to communities and people of Louisiana the oil we pump right off their most valuable estuaries, tributaries, bays and beaches…” said R. Bud Mocktuttle, BP VP of Corprate Giving.

“Furthermore we will continue to distribute on a first-come-first-serve basis as much crude oil as you can skim or boom for the next 90-days.”

“Needless to say there are some Gloomy Gusses who maintain this is an oil spill and I hasten to add nothing could be further from the truth.”  Mocktuttle was adamant there would be no lasting environmental impact.

“The simple fact is waterfowl have a long standing tradition of wallowing in crude oil which is mistakenly blamed on the oil industry.  If you went out into your backyard and dumped a quart of oil, in no time at all you would have so many birds rolling around in it you’d think an English soccer riot had broken out.”

Mocktuttle ended the hastily called press conference after answering one last question.

“We spent over $200-million dollars to green wash our corporation last year and quite frankly if you think we don’t understand how many self-congratulatory eco-green-commercials it will take to balance the damage a bunch of tree-huggers do because they see disaster where we see opportunity for the average working Joe to get a bucket of free crude, you’re dumber than we thought.  BP loves Mother Earth so much we want to put our drills, I mean arms around her and hug her so tight she can’t breathe…”

Mike Says:

“Why don’t we just let Bono’s massive ego absorb the oil spill?”